UMBRELLA UNIVERSITY
by Wario-Girl
Summary: Two humans gets accidentally enrolled to the infamous, and highly secretive, Umbrella University, a place for zombies, monsters and B. to study...if that's what they do. They're gonna need more than green herbs to surpass this journey!
1. Author's Note

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

**PLEASE REGARD:**

So, here's a funny tale~

I created a very silly Alternate-Universe in the Resident Evil universe, and I have the fantastic RedBlackStripe encourage me. I decided to upload this here, and probably will on other sites.

This whole concept was, yet again, based on fun. Something silly to amuse us, and we find it very entertaining to mess around. Not much logic was put behind this, but if we were to do so, it wouldn't be as fun or as carefree as it comes across. We just wanted to do some daft things with the husbands. This isn't supposed to be taken seriously.

So I give you Umbrella University! A place where all of Umbrella's experiments, both successful and failed, come to this building to learn to...uh, to learn how to zombie? Shaddap! Just go with the flow.

This is probably gonna involve a few good friends of ours along the way, so sit back and just enjoy this.

I would like to thank my gorgeous co-writer, RedBlackStripe, for her brilliant input to this concept, and for putting up with me.

So, have fun with this anyway. Hope you enjoy this silly thing~

_~Wario-Girl_

**-CREDIT-**

**Concept (C) Wario-Girl and RedBlackStripe**

**Sallie Knight (C) Wario-Girl**  
**Tish Stripes (C) RedBlackStripe**

**All Resident Evil related concepts (C) CAPCOM**

LINKS:

wario-girl

redblackstripe


	2. Prelude

**UMBRELLA UNIVERSITY ** **Prelude:**

The Umbrella University was located up a nerve-jangling steep hill in the middle of nowhere. The school bus that brought fresh students was little more than a truck with metal restraints in the back and no windows, a dreary version of a prison transport machine.

Sallie Knight and Theresa Stripes, fondly known as Tish, shouldn't even be there, but a clerical error meant their application were accepted and it was legally too late for them to be turned away.

It was a dark dreary day when the young women arrived, both swathed in their coats against the howling winds and splattering rain that assaulted the metal sides of the bus.

"Even for a university for abominations this is grim," Tish commented, pulling her coat tighter around her shoulders.

Sallie was leaning against the window, her black beanie pulled over her eyes, her leather coat tightly clasped together, collar turned up with her arms folded. She had been awfully silent throughout the whole journey, no doubt mulling grumpily about her application being incorrect. At least she wasn't on this alone.

When Tish heard no reply, she added thoughtfully: "You think they'll actually let us study here?" She asked her stalwart companion as she faced her.

For a time, Sallie said nothing.

Then a snore.

Tish giggled softly, noticing her friend has drifted off. She considered the possible repercussions of awakening her, and so decided to wait until the bus stopped before attempting it.

The bus climbed ever higher and finally grumbled to a stop.

"Last stop!" Barked the driver, slamming his fist on the side of the bus. This didn't appear to wake Sallie, and so Tish budged her.

"Hey, Sallie? We're here!" Tish drew out the syllable in a sing-song manner, referencing a well-known horror film. Tish was a little more surprise that Sallie didn't wake up, completely unconscious. She must have _really_ slept bad last night. And the night before that…and the night before that…

Sallie didn't move for a time, and then her face began to slide down the window, her lips and cheek running against the pane of glass before almost falling and snorting loudly, waking herself up instantly.

"Shit, what?!" She cried out, looking around quickly, blinking a few times before turning to Tish. "Wait…" Then she realised. "What, we're here?"

Tish laughed and nudged her again to get up, in which Sallie complied.

"Yes, we're here, and I need to get off this so-called bus. My arse is numb!"

Tish began to head to the back of the vehicle where the driver, a man dressed all in black-army fatigues with a gasmask in place, had opened the doors for them to exit.

Tish Stripes hopped down, landing in the slick mud outside. Short, black hair, that was once cropped beautifully was now messed by the howling winds. She was adorned in her favourite pair of jeans and a black shirt, shielded from the winds with her thick red and black coat.

To their left, the Umbrella University loomed upon its hill, already soaked in the rain. "Oooh, looks like the perfect place to meet a serial killer, eh Sallie?" Tish quipped, glancing back towards the bus.

Sallie Knight's dark blue eyes scanned the scenery before her, her brunette hair wildly swaying in the winds with the hem of her long trench-coat. Her army boots were already stained with the sodden mud, her jeans tucked inside by habit. A thick belt divided her firm black leotard beneath the trench-coat. Stripped from all her weaponry, she felt naked without the tight belts around her thighs and arms, the familiar weights of her weapons leaving her empty.

Sallie stood beside Tish silently, her eyes taking in everything. This was nothing compared to the brightly painted façade Sallie had imagined herself to be in at this point. Rain lashed down from the darken skies, and Tish's comment didn't help the situation much. Still, she knew Tish was only trying to make her laugh, and so she forced a small smirk.

"It looks lethal if you ask me," Sallie replied, trying to imply it as a joke, but seemed too tired to make the effort. "You sure you wanna do this?"

"Too late to turn back now," Tish shrugged, but it was clear she was nervous. She hefted up her bag over her shoulder. "You never know, the food might be amazing,"

Sallie rolled her eyes with a small smirk, taking her backpack and followed Tish.

"You think food is gonna save us this time?"

Tish grinned, but it didn't last long as they approached the open gates.

As soon as they stepped through the gates, they became aware of large looming shapes moving through the misty rain. Tish gasped. "Those guys are _huge!_" She cried out, pointing through the murk towards a group of hulking shades in the distance. On instinct, Sallie stood close to Tish, protecting her from the overbearing threats around them. "I might be beginning to regret this,"

"Just keep your eyes ahead. Don't give them direct eye-contact," Sallie advised firmly, feeling Tish shivering against her. Despite her own warning, she was unable to remove her gaze from the looming figures, figuring out that- "They're not human…"

"They're _huge!_" She heard Tish squeaked, trying to match with Sallie's firm march. Unmatched with Sallie's march were the rhythmic sound of something dangerous; an intense thumping sound, and it was approaching them. Tish gritted her teeth in fear. "They're coming this way!" She hissed. Sallie's hand gripped onto Tish's arm firmly, silently reminding her she was here.

Through the gloom emerged a group of enormous humanoid creatures. All of them were bald with pale ashen skin. Huge and muscular, they walked with great power and in only a few steps they had reached the girls. It was a rather overbearing sight. Thick, heavy trench-coats fell to their ankles, revealing monstrous boots made of steel and reinforced material. Each of them had a unique set of numbers printed on the upper arm of their coats. Batch-Numbers. Sallie winced. They were like soldiers… What was most disturbing was the number of metallic features on their bodies, the amount of steel _loops _that ran down the back of their bodies from their outfits. It was as if they were originally _restrained_…

One of them moved with greater purpose than the others, and he stepped forward ahead of them.

"Oh shit, I thought they were kidding when they said they let humans in here!" Came his booming voice. His eyes settled on Sallie. "But at least they're cute ones," He practically purred these words at her, and it was those very words that made Sallie physically cringe. What a gross bastard!

Bravely, she turned and shot a hot glare at the chief beast before them. A Tyrant. There was a vast variety of Tyrants that existed, but these were monstrous compared to the others, showing familiar features from the Tyrant T-103 series. But these were almost far superior. Elite Tyrants, actually. Made for mass _wars_, not for mere fights.

"It's a shame we have to look at you," Sallie spat acidly, before realizing who she was talking to.

The immense Tyrant was surprised by her response, but it interested him greatly.

"Aww, am I too much for you, sweetheart?" he chuckled and his lackeys all laughed too, backing up their leader.

Tish chewed her lip nervously, unsure if she should even try to intervene. She knew Sallie could handle herself, but these guys were monsters. _Bio-Organic Weapons!_

"Nah," Sallie replied sharply, already feeling her temper firing up. "You're not enough for me," She eyed him up and down, admiring the leathery outfit, chains, hooks and metallic features. It was an impressive outfit, stunning. But she didn't like the bastard wearing it. "Your outfit seems to be compensating something,"

The Tyrant smirked.

"Oh, what?" He taunted. "_This_ isn't enough for you?" He grabbed at his sizeable crotch, waggling it lewdly around.

Tish spun around, horrified and furious at his behaviour. She couldn't believe how horrible he was being!

Across the forecourt came another one of those lumbering beasts, but this one appeared to be smaller, different in appearance. A black overcoat only accented his size, his proportion bulk and strong. His complexion was of lifeless grey, a shadow masked his features from her, created by his matching fedora. Almost like the leather-clad dick-bags in their midst, but this one seemed…kinder perhaps?

When he spotted the other looming figures, however, he froze on the spot, as if terrified. This only worried Tish more; if another B.O.W was terrified of these Tyrants…

Sallie was too focused on the fourteen-feet towering monstrosities before her. As if her fury gave her confidence, she took a step towards them, pointing at his crotch.

"How adorable, you think you could please a woman like me with _that?!_ Honey, you may be blessed with girth, but I know you're _certainly_ not an expert in making me orgasm. Such a waste of potential,"

The massive Tyrant looked shocked for a moment, and Tish genuinely thought he was about to lash out violently. But then he grinned cruelly.

"I like you, little Firecracker. You can call me ALPHA 069," He said, his voice laced with sexual inuendo.

"Nice," Sallie said sarcastically through gritted teeth. "Don't call me. Ever." She gave the other towering Tyrants a glare before dismissing them. "Dickweeds," Yanking Tish's arm, she hurried away from the towering monsters before anything could be done. Tish's eyes were too intrigued with the other smaller B. across the forecourt, surveying them.

"Ahh, fresh meat!" Boomed a voice beside the smaller Tyrant, and suddenly a hand slapped onto his back. Another B.O.W came into view, his lipless smirk forever there, a glint of a predator in his features. Unlike the other Tyrant, this one had more colour in his flesh. He only had one eye, for a horrible experiment had forced his other eye to be blinded, stitched flesh crudely lapsed over it. His crooked teeth and gums were on constant show, unable to close what would have been his lips. He mirrored the other tyrant's bulk and was dressed in what seemed like leather pants and an apron-like shirt, allowing his bulking purple veins to not be trapped by such attire. "Humans too!" Nemesis chuckled, shaking his head. "This Uni is going down the fucking drain, man,"

His older brother, Mr X, rolled his eyes at his statement.

Tish stared at the lipless grimacing beast that had approached the smaller tyrant. Something about him, was so grotesque and yet…he seemed so lively and fascinating. If a complete douche can…

Nemesis gave his older brother _the look_, one that consisted of his over-confidence in 'scoring'. Ahh, there he goes again! With an air of eagerness, Nemesis walked towards the new humans. They were not as big as the Tyrants, but they still stood an impressive 7-9 feet tall, dwarfing the human women easily.

"Hey there, pretty lady," Nemesis cooed, giving Tish the eye.

Assuming those words were for her, Sallie quickly turned around, fuming at Nemesis.

"Oh, not you too!" She snapped, and Nemesis shot a hot glare at her.

"Nah, not you!" He barked, pushing Sallie violently out of the way, and looked back at Tish with questionable desire. "How are _you_ doing?" He asked Tish again, his tone changing quickly.

Disgusted with his attitude and treatment to her friend, Tish shot a hot glare at Nemesis. How disrespectful.

"I'm going to save your virgin arse a little trouble. Treating others around you like trash won't make me feel anything for you. That shit only works in movies. And you better watch it if you touch my friend ever again," She threatened, knowing she wasn't intimidated in the slightest.

Sallie had to give her credit for trying though. It wasn't like that to speak up so strongly against monsters like this.

Nemesis laughed, his already garish grin widening even further.

"Don't you worry, I'll win you over," He assured her.

Mr X touched his arm, catching Nemesis' attention, and shook his head firmly. Knowing what he meant, Nemesis sighed, and rolled his eye. "Ooookaaaay. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be such a knob-jockey, especially to new students,"

Tish was surprised he had apologised at all and flushed a little, not knowing why.

Sallie, on the other hand, found this a little too bizarre. As if Tish was going to fall for that! Though she realised that the other Tyrant seemed to have done something to encourage Nemesis. She eyed him carefully, looking at the leather black overcoat, his boots and fedora. He looked remarkably human, with a broad jawline and strangely handsome features. He looked much older than the tall tyrants.

The bell rang in the distance, alerting all students to return to their homeroom class, and Sallie nudged Tish.

"Let's go,"

Tish stirred from her thoughts and nodded. Reluctantly, she tore her attention away from Nemesis and tried to focus on the job at hand.

"Yeah. Let's go, we still have to see the Dean before we sign in," She said, reminding herself more than anyone else.


	3. Chapter 1: The Dean

UMBRELLA** UNIVERSITY** **Chapter 1: The Dean**

They began to find their way through the imposing building before them. The doors were enormous and standing wide open, leading into a huge, dimly lit open lobby. Inside, mutated students from all virus-types were milling around, all looking terrifying.

"I think it's this way?" Tish said, trying to remember the directions that had been given to her before they arrived.

Sallie took the lead, trying to take Tish to safety. She knew, when it called, Tish can defend herself. But right now, she wanted to see this Dean and demand answers. This wasn't the right place.

Eventually, they found the door. Again, it was huge to cater to the much taller students. With a crooked sign that grimaced **'DEAN'S OFFICE'**, Sallie knew this was the correct place to be. She knocked and waited, only to hear a voice from inside beckon them to enter.

Hesitantly, they both entered, horrified to find, not another monster, but a _human_.

Sitting behind the desk, as if expecting them, was a handsome, blond tall man, his face chiselled to perfection, eyes hidden behind sunglasses…this wasn't right. This had to be a joke!

"Welcome to Umbrella University," He introduced proudly, placing a hand on his chest. "I'm Albert Wesker, the Dean of this facility. You must be the new students,"

"You have a lot to answer for," Sallie said quickly, not in the mood for his formal, choreographed introductions. "We don't belong here,"

"Ah, I see you're moody and agitated," Wesker said, waving his hand. "Fret not, I get it from all the Tyrants. You're just like them,"

"Say what?" Sallie snarled, before stopping herself when Tish gave her a pleading stare. Wesker continued.

"Actually, you have arrived at the correct destination. This was no error. This was a change in advancement," He smirked, adding: "You were nominated to be here,"

"Nominated to be here?" Tish repeated, taken back in surprise. "Does that mean someone wanted us to study here?" She had never expected this sort of treatment; she'd thought this was all some big dumb mistake. But to find out that they were supposed to be here?

She had to admit, studying with monsters didn't seem so bad after all…

Wesker nodded, clasping his hands together.

"Unfortunately, I am not allowed to disclose such information, but all I can say is that you have been observed thoroughly by Umbrella, and was nominated to join this special, and highly private, University,"

A pause.

"Why?" Sallie asked bluntly. Wesker stalled, a little surprised to hear the lack of joy in her voice. He simply chuckled though.

"I cannot answer that. But this is certainly not a mistake. I could tell you were thinking of that,"

"So, what happens now? Do we just study with monsters?"

"B. , actually. Bio-Organic Weapons. Your connectivity with humans, infamously known for…bearing difficult and unbearable traits, made you both perfect for this program," He spoke this with a hint of bitterness. Sallie noticed this, so he hated the human race too?

"I don't get it," Sallie jabbed.

Tish's expression fell into a scowl.

"You trying to say we're insufferable bitches or something?" Something about his perfect features seemed so cold and calculating, and it made her feel uneasy. If he was trying to insinuate something, then she was going to pull him up on it.

Wesker shook his head firmly.

"Nonsense," He said. "Look, I won't bore you with such petty details. Right now, you are new students and you are going to fit right in. Understand?" He stood up suddenly. "Now, to assign you both to your classes. You also need to do one after-class activity, which happens every day after 4:00PM," He faced Tish. "Theresa, what recreational class would you like to do?"

Tish was caught off-guard completely. She blurted out the first thing in her mind that sounded like a class.

"Art?" She squeaked, wondering if a place like this would even do that. She'd promised her family that she'd concentrated on more academic studies, but she couldn't ignore the compulsion to get covered in paint.

Wesker smiled. He liked her promptness.

"Art is it, then. Good choice," He turned to Sallie. "And you, Sallie?"

"Art as well, please,"

Wesker gave her a small face of pain.

"I'm so sorry, I'm afraid your friend just took the last spot,"

Sallie frowned, but then thought for a moment.

"Literature,"

Wesker shook his head.

"Full,"

"Science?"

"Full,"

"Drama,"

"Full,"

"Literature!"

"We've been over this,"

Sallie was evidently getting angry at this point and threw her hands in the air.

"Then what classes _aren't_ full?!"

Wesker paused, thinking. Then…

"Basketball Team needs an extra player. They can't join any leagues without a full team,"

"Fine, I guess. Basketball!" Sallie heaved.

"Or you could be a cheer-leader-"

"Basketball it is then!" Sallie insisted impatiently. No way in hell she was going to dress in a small skirt and prance around.

Tish suppressed a giggle that threatened to burst forth. Instead, she considered how Wesker seemed to block Sallie until she picked the thing he wanted. She assured herself, it was probably just a coincidence. She preoccupied herself with wondering what her art-class would entrail. Would it be life-drawing?

She flushed as she wondered if Nemesis would pose for that one…

"Wonderful! Now," Wesker beckoned the girls out of his office, pushing their backs and guiding them out. "We shall meet again soon, but right now, you have class. Just down the end of the hall. I'm sure you know what to do,"

And before any of the could say a word, the door closed behind them.


End file.
